dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
