I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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