Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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