he puts the penis in happiness.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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