she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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