You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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