I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
