you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
