Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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