you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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