Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
