its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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