we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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