Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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