i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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