You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need to align my fucking chakras
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
