I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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