I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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