Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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