you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
