i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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