Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
