just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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