Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize