hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
