I wish I could teleport
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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