Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
