just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
