Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
