I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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