the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
As shirtless as possible
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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