I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
