im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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