I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
