I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
