I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
ttyl tear gas
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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