I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
