he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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