My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
