I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
