apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
