last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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