I heard we made out
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
