i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
