Porn is love you can see.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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