Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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