i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
