I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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