I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
