My hand turned me down
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
