I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
