I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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