Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
