I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
